Our sweet (yet sassy) Della came into our lives a year ago. She came out crying, and we’ve even managed to get her to stop a few times since then.
I knew going from one child to two it would be really tough, and it has been… more than I really even expected. Anyone who has spent even a little time with me in the past year has probably heard me lament about how difficult it has been. And even in saying that it’s been difficult at times to pin down exactly why it’s felt so hard.
Around a month ago, it seemed instantaneously Della went from infant to toddler. She started walking. She started playing by herself occasionally. She slept consistently. She still cried – but it was always easy to tell what the issue was. Perhaps not coincidentally, this was around the time when I started to feel, a bit… better?
Looking back at the past year, it’s all such a blur its hard to see clearly exactly what made it so hard, especially considering we had one kid – and while challenging at times, it never felt like this did. If I had to put it on one thing, I think it was just getting the basics done on any given day most days seemed like a near impossible task, let alone be good at anything. The constant feeling of knowing the best I’d be able to do each day was really not that great, day after day, week and after week really took a tole on me and left me often feeling very anxious and resentful – even if I couldn’t pin those feelings on anything in particular.
I’m so happy those feelings have gone, and I hope it stays that way. I hope I can always feel as grateful and capable as I have been feeling recently. And if I don’t, that is ok too, but I hope I have the capacity to know those feelings will pass. When I really think back – they have before.
The couple weeks leading up to Della’s birth was an extremely anxious time for us – just the not knowing when and how it would happen and if she would be ok – if Sarah would be ok. When she arrived a year ago, I can still remember what that relief felt like (even if it was nothing compared to what Sarah must have felt) – the waiting was over, she was here.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t bring up where we are at this moment – on day 3 of a 2-week plus self-quarantine, during what is one of the craziest most surreal times I can ever remember. I’m so thankful that we are healthy and safe. I’m also taking this opportunity to enjoy time together as a family – truly thankful, even if under poor circumstances. While I am certainly anxious about the state of the world, and the health of those I care about, I can honestly say being unable to escape my family, is not something contributing to any anxious feelings currently. I also know, we will get through the other side. Just as Della did a year ago.
I do have to say, even through the hard times, Dee and I have always had a very special connection that has meant so much to me. Whereas Harvey lived in the ergo – most often worn by Sarah, Della is happiest in my arms. Even still, I would guess I pick her up 50+ times a day and she can snuggle like no other. She occupies a place in my heart that I didn’t even know existed until she opened it up and continues to grow each day. Music has always been a thing that has connected us. From the jams I’d play while I swayed her to sleep during her purple crying days, to the tunes that relaxed her in long car trips this summer, to the head boppers we dance to around the house – music has been our mutual language through her first year.
Happy birthday, sweet Dee Dee. Daddy loves you.