The Birth of Della Francie

Today is Thursday, March 21st and I am sitting on my couch with sore boobs and a baby sleeping on my chest, and life could not be any more perfect than it is in this moment. I wanted to get this down while it is still fresh and raw, but I need you all to understand that nothing I could possibly type will ever do this story the justice that it deserves. The women, and the man, who were in the room when this miracle arrived are the only other witnesses who held the space with me, and who helped usher Della into the world and into our hearts. I am forever grateful for their love and support, and without them, I could not have done this amazing thing that is childbirth.

Alright, let’s back it up a few weeks. Last time I wrote, I was 37 weeks and 2 days pregnant, and I had made a little bit of progress on my own. I was 1cm dilated and 50% effaced and absolutely ecstatic that my body seemed to be heading down the right road this time (versus a preeclampsia induction at 36 weeks like last time). At my almost-38-week appointment, I was 2cm dilated and 75% effaced and got to have an “aggressive cervical check” because my practice doesn’t technically do membrane sweeps until 39 weeks. I had also already lost my mucous plug at this point and was having several Braxton-Hicks contractions a day. So, we arrived at my last scheduled appointment on Friday, March 15th at 2pm while I was 38 weeks 5 days. I got to see one of my favorite midwives at the practice (the last three appointments I had were with my three favorite ladies – and then one of them delivered my baby!!) and she stripped my membranes for me and announced that I was about 4cm. Woohoo!!!! Here we go!!! Things are going to start happening!! Obviously, this was what I was telling myself – there is no guarantee that this procedure starts labor, but I was feeling pretty positive and had felt a lot of pelvic pressure for the 3 days leading up to my appointment, so rest assured I was feeling very… hopeful. I had also gotten all of my ducks in a row at school, and was ready for maternity leave, so it kind of felt like the stars were aligning and my mind was at ease/peace. Lights… camera… action:

Nick and I decided to take Harvey to Pizza Inn (one of our new family favorites) for dinner. We always have pizza on Friday nights, and UNC vs. Dook 2019 (round 3) was going to happen later that night, and we were in an all-around excited mood because we knew one way or the other we were about to meet our baby, or settle in for a nice weekend enjoying some two-on-one time with Harv. Right after sitting down to eat at 7pm, I felt my first contraction. It was light, but definitely NOT a Braxton-Hicks, and I felt a flutter of excitement. I didn’t want to get Nick worked up, and I also wanted to try and maintain a level of calm so as to not run them away with an adrenaline rush. So, we finished our dinner and got home around 7:30, and by that time, I had had about 5 or 6 more in a 30-minute time span. I figured I should go ahead and tell Nick about this, right as he was taking a picture of the pink evening sky and saying that Della was going to be born this weekend. We started to get Harvey ready for bed, and as soon as I realized that the contractions were definitely coming consistently, we tucked him in, texted Lolli and Pop and called my mom so she could start driving up here.

At about 8:20 I went ahead and called the midwife, who called me back pretty quickly, and I let Nick talk to her because I was having a contraction at the moment the phone rang. It was Amy!!! One of my favorites!! This was wonderful news!! I had loved my prenatal appointments with her, and felt like we had a great rapport, and she told us that she was there until 7am, at which time Stacie (one of my other favorites, yay!!) would come on. She said that she definitely felt like I was in labor, and that when it got to the point where the contractions were getting too painful to talk through, we should come on over. She said since we were 5 minutes from the hospital, to give her a call when we were on our way. It became pretty clear at this point, that we were not going to sleep that night.

By 9pm, Nick’s parents arrived at our house and we turned on the basketball pre-game stuff. My contractions were 3 minutes apart by this point, and some of them were more painful than others. At 9:45, upon Lolli’s good suggestion, we went ahead and left for the hospital, which ended up being a GREAT decision, because I got the last available L&D room at Duke Regional that night. Pop stayed behind to spend the night with Harvey, and the three of us arrived in my room at 10:15pm, where we turned on the game and had Amy check my cervix – 4cm. I asked if she could break my water to “really get the party started” and she said she was happy to do that – right after she finished assisting with a c-section. She said she would probably be back around midnight and that we should settle in for the evening while she was gone. We called my mom to let her know which room we were in, and Lolli started pulling out her bag of tricks for labor (suckers, life savers, and massage tools). The nurse got my IV port in, and I started pacing around the room, trying to keep my hips open while I worked through the contractions, which were still about 3 minutes apart.

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This was taken shortly after we arrived… as you can tell, we are still smiling, ha! 

My mom got there before the game ended, which was a bummer since we lost… but I actually didn’t care a whole lot because I was about to have a baby… and Amy came in about 12:30am to break my water. We all got to chat for a bit and I introduced her to my mom, and she said that she was going to do her best to be in the room laboring with me as much as she could, but that there was a full house that evening, and 2 more women had checked in to the triage rooms that they have for “overflow” – which made me super grateful for the big L&D room I had. Once she broke my water, I remembered that feeling from the first time – the strange water trickling down your legs, which is pretty continuous throughout the rest of the process, and after this, things really started to pick up quickly.

For 2 solid hours, I was having strong, intense, contractions. They were 2 minutes apart, and really starting to hurt. I was doing a few different things to try and manage the pain, like walking, leaning over things, sitting on the toilet, sitting on a ball, etc. Mimi and Lolli were very patient while I was in pain. I can’t imagine what this process must have been like through somebody else’s eyes and ears… but I picture it as a bit unpleasant. They were so great at talking me through it, and helping me come back to reality after each contraction. However, Nick was the real hero of this portion of the labor. He squeezed my hips, let me lean into him whenever I needed it, and was a trooper when I really started to growl/howl in his ear. I would not have been able to do ANY of this without him, but it was this part that really sticks out in my memory. Babe, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I had made my mind up a long time ago that I was going to do my damnedest to have a natural labor and delivery. This decision had been made before Harvey was born, and reflected in my choice to go to a birth center with that pregnancy. However, that went out the window with my induction, and here we were, so far, so good… I was getting the second chance I had hoped for, after a healthy pregnancy and good start to labor. It was at 2:30am that I started to lose some wind in my sails. Amy had come in, and said the noises I was making were starting to sound like I was “bearing down” and I really couldn’t communicate with words anymore at this point, and I think I said something like, “I DON”T FUCKING KNOW!!” (whilst on my hands and knees on the bed). During the contractions, I couldn’t do anything but focus on getting through the wave. However, when they ended, things were ok and I remember specifically thinking that was different from the last time I was in labor (the Pitocin was making me have non-stop, long and continuous contractions). Once that particular rush was over, Amy suggested that she check my cervix because she didn’t want me to push too soon. When she did so, my heart sank a bit, because I was 7cm. But… this is when my competitive/determined personality kicked in, and I told myself that I was going to start getting through the rest of this “five minutes at a time”, which is exactly what I do at the end of long distance races. The next hour is a blur.

This part is going to be short, because it felt like time stopped and was elongated all at once, and it was the most surreal hour of my life. My nurse suggested that I use the peanut ball to put between my knees and lay on the bed for a bit. She said that I could try a few contractions on one side, and then a few on the other side, and that this trick was one that usually worked to get women to 10cm. I’m not going to lie, I pretty much spent the next 45 minutes screaming because the contractions were actually “coupling” which meant that I was having one big contraction, followed immediately by a smaller one… leaving me no real break in between. I was getting close to giving up. In fact, I did at one point. I told the nurse I thought I needed the epidural, and she said she would check me to see if I had made progress. Around 3:15am my L&D nurse checked my progress, and announced that she didn’t think I was much past 7-8cm. Damnit… not done with transition yet… I was crushed. I said I needed the epidural, and she went to call the anesthesiologist. The last hour had been spent with me howling, my moms taking turns holding my hands and rubbing my back, and Nick coaching me in my ear while I used him for physical support as well as emotional.

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The nurse and my midwife came back into the room and said that relief was on the way. I, at one point, began to go from a deep groan into an all-out hysterical scream, and this memory is one that I am going to remember for the rest of my life. My L&D nurse got really close to my face, and took my hand in her hands and squeezed it and said very calmly, “Sarah, you’ve made it this far and you’ve worked too hard to lose control now… you’ve got this, come back to this.”

And then… all of the sudden… BAM!!! I felt the baby move down. I don’t know how to describe this feeling, other than exactly that… I could literally feel her body move down through my body, and it actually felt like the relief I needed. Nick said that was approximately 3:25am… and I yelled it out to the room, “I JUST FELT HER MOVE DOWN!” Amy then said, do you think you need to push? And I said “YES!!” So, she gently checked me because I was on my back at this point, and she said, “Sarah, she is right there, I can feel her head.” The room lit up… literally. I was so freaking elated. Amy then quickly got a gown on, while I pushed for the first time. I felt her head coming and I said to the room, “can you see her?!” and everybody said “yes!!” So, I pushed again and this time it started to burn a bit, and I could really feel her head coming out. I waited here for a minute while I panted a bit, and dang if that didn’t burn… but then with the next contraction, I pushed for a third and final time, and she was out at 3:36am!! HOLY SHIT what a feeling of release and accomplishment. I had done it… and I was in disbelief!! She was laid on my chest (after they unwrapped her chord from her neck) and she was absolutely perfect. The first thing I thought about her was that she had so much hair. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I remember feeling/thinking this when they laid Harvey on me, and I swear in that moment (just like the cliché Grinch story) my heart grew two sizes. What. A. Miracle.

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Those first few minutes of Della on my chest were magical. I felt so alive and so present. I actually felt the oxytocin coursing through my body. The pain completely ended. I kept saying over and over, “I can’t believe I just did that… that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” It was true!! I remember being thirsty and feeling like the cotton mouth was intense, but Mimi kept the water and the straw close by – phew! Amy told me a few minutes later that my placenta was ready to deliver, and I pushed that out easily. We were actually doing it. All of the postpartum things I had wanted with Harvey… immediate skin to skin, delayed cord clamping, all of it. There was no rush. I felt like I was the one in charge of this whole process, and that my midwife and nurse were just listening and waiting for me to tell them what I wanted and needed. I truly cannot say enough good things about this hospital and this practice. They are absolute rock stars.

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For the next 3 hours we were all on cloud 9, getting Della cleaned up a bit, weighing her, snuggling her, staring at her. She was so alert and sweet. She latched on within 2 minutes of being born, and continued to nurse throughout those first few hours. I was in complete awe. This next part, although it is an important part of her birth story, I want to write about another time because it happened after Harvey was born as well, and I want to have a conversation with Amy at my 6 week appointment about it – but I did have a postpartum hemorrhage. Long story short, it was 30 minutes of some quick maneuvering by the nurses, midwife, and doctor… and I am perfectly fine on the other side, but it was a bit nerve-wracking right before we moved to my postpartum room at 7am. More on that later!

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Mimi got in the car and drove 2.5 hours to the hospital after working all day to be there for us! 
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Lolli was wearing a shirt that belonged to Grammy, who would have been so happy with the news of Della’s birth, the loss to Dook wouldn’t have mattered! ❤ 

Now, it has been five days of pure bliss. Harvey is very sweet and interested in his little sister, and she has been an extremely easy baby. She is eating like a champ, pooping, sleeping, and cooing. I feel like we won the lottery. How did I get so lucky? Just a short 31 hours after Della was born, we were discharged and on our way home. It doesn’t get any better than this.

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I am choosing to share these photos with you all because although they are pretty intense and graphic, they are so important to me. I grew a baby in my body for 9 months, and then I birthed her in what were the most incredible 8.5 hours of my life. I hope you all can appreciate this story and our journey. We have been so grateful for the outpouring of love and support from our village, and we cannot wait to see what the future holds for our little family of four.

Love and peace,

Sarah xo

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Waiting on Della

As of last Wednesday, February 27th, I woke up the “most pregnant” I have ever been. Today, at 37 weeks and 2 days, I am wading into uncharted waters. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful that I’ve had the chance to carry this baby into the “full-term” phase, especially since Harvey was born at 36 weeks and 2 days… but this is so weird!!! I truly don’t know what I expected… like, I didn’t actually think in my heart of hearts that I would have a baby by now, but I also didn’t really think about what it would be like to wake up each day wondering when it was going to happen. I feel like the patience that mamas have to practice during this part is unlike any other kind that you develop in your life or as a new parent.

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I have the option of being induced when I am past 39 weeks. While this is appealing, and I am totally down with it, I still have mixed emotions about what it would be like if I waited on my body to do its own thing. Who knows, maybe I will change my mind and decide to wait, but the idea of meeting my daughter and going on maternity leave is mighty nice. My history of preeclampsia is also always on my mind. At my last appointment, my blood pressure was the highest it has been during my pregnancy, albeit still completely in the “normal range” and I was actually 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. Wait… WHAT?! I am starting to make progress on my own??!! I don’t want to get my hopes up about what this means… but after being induced while I was, as the doctor put it, “zero, closed, and tight” this is like music to my ears. I am also taking evening primrose oil and drinking lots of raspberry leaf tea to get things ready for action. I’ve been having some Braxton Hicks contractions here and there – but nothing serious. The midwife also told me during my cervical check that she could “really feel” Della’s head down there… which obviously gives me fantasy thoughts about a wonderful, easy, quick, and relatively painless (hahahaha) labor and delivery.

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So, we wait. We wake up each day, go to work, and wait. I am really happy to have soccer season to keep me busy – otherwise I think I would be going insane. I am trying not to stress about school right now – there is currently no maternity sub in place for when I go, so I kind of feel like I’m jumping off a cliff there – but I know that it will all get taken care of in the end. I am also trying to be as present as possible with Harvey. He is so curious right now, and his questions about baby sister are starting to ramp up, which I just adore. I think when it does come time for me to go to the hospital and leave him at home, I am going to sob. But, the thought of seeing his face when he lays eyes on her for the first time is truly enough to get me through the next few days/weeks.

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As an aside, I do really love how helpful he likes to be – and as my friend Jessica put it, having a 3yro is pretty awesome when you have another baby because he actually understands and obeys commands like, “please bring me a diaper” or “can you hand me that burp cloth?” or “mommy needs a bottle of water” etc. He loves being helpful and feeling like he is included! 🙂

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Alrighty, well, I hope the next update is my birth story!! Until next time, send some good vibes to the labor goddess above – I need the birthing fairy to sprinkle some magic on me this time around! ❤

Rounding Third Base!

Well, I’m 32 weeks and 2 days… and you can now insert all the clichés there are about how quickly pregnancy flies by when you have a kid (or several) already at home. They weren’t kidding y’all… I feel like I blinked and its February – which means it is seriously almost March!!!! Ready or not, here she comes!!

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I have been bad about keeping up the blog this time. Nick and I have still been making sure we get weekly bump pics – to have a compilation at the end, but overall, I’ve just been enjoying as much time with Harvey as I can before he is no longer my only child. However, I wanted to spend a little time to document the past few months.

Firstly, this pregnancy has been completely different from Harvey’s. It’s actually hard to believe that my body is “doing it right” this time. Clearly, things can change in the blink of an eye, and I am careful not to let go of that notion. But, so far, it’s been really, really, really great. Yes, I have the usual aches and pains associated with being pregnant, but overall, I feel a world of difference in my day-to-day life. My weight gain has actually been “normal” (meaning I haven’t gained 45 lbs in 32 weeks this time, which ultimately turned into 65 lbs in 36 weeks). My face, hands, and feet are not swollen at all. Last time, I had my wedding ring cut off at the fire station while I was 34 weeks pregnant… it was a sad day. Most importantly of all, my blood pressure has been consistently excellent. By this, I mean, it has been (on average) 100/60 the entire time. This is a HUGE deal. When I was pregnant with Harvey, I had to be induced at 36 weeks gestation because I developed severe preeclampsia from week 30 onward. I had hit “gestational hypertension” at week 32 and was put on bedrest after week 35. I did not fully recognize at the time, but have since spent a lot of time processing, how truly traumatic this experience was for me and for our family. After spending a week at UNC Women’s Hospital, I was sent home on BP medication, and they were not sure if or when I would be able to stop taking it.

All of this experience and knowledge has been a blessing and a curse. My therapist and I discuss this pretty regularly, because I have days where it feels like all I am doing is being obsessed with “not getting preeclampsia again.” Sometimes (albeit rarely) I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Exercising, even up through the past week (and hopefully for the remainder of the pregnancy) is helpful with this aspect. I can safely say that I have enjoyed staying active this time around, and think it has played a huge part in my healthy pregnancy thus far. Time on a run or on the treadmill allows me to check in with myself and try and remain as present as possible.

I have also really LOVED my new midwifery practice. As sad as I was to switch from the Women’s Birth and Wellness Center in Chapel Hill, we just knew this was going to be a “safer bet” because the Durham Women’s Clinic delivers at Duke Regional Hospital with midwives and OB’s. The hospital and the practice are also 5 minutes from our house, which is a huge perk. Every single one of the health care providers with DWC has been amazing, and I can’t wait to see who delivers our baby. At my last appointment, my fundal height was 32 cm, and baby girl’s heartrate was 142 bpm. Our 20 week anatomy scan was perfect and everything is pointing in the direction of healthy, happy baby and mama!

As you all know, we found out at 10 weeks that we were having a little girl. We have decided to name her after my grandmothers, who are some of the most influential women in my life, and both of whom I adore and look up to immensely. We chose to use a variation of their middle names, and call her Della Francie Cain. Della for my MawMa who is Mabel Adel Collins Cade and Francie for my Oma who is Shirley Frances Snider Mustard. We also think that “Harvey and Della” has a really cute ring to it. 🙂

Hopefully, these last few weeks will be restful and uneventful, but I will do my best to keep you updated either way! For now, here are some Harvey pictures from the last few months, as I soak in every second with him that I can. ❤

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My running buddy!

 

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Harv’s new rain boots from Mimi!

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Harvey’s new desk from Pop and Lolli’s house.

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Harvey showing off for the soccer girls 😉

The Newest Cainade Adventure

Last night, we got a phone call around 7:45 with the most incredible news I’ve received since 1:14 PM on March 29, 2016.

Nick: Hello this is Nick (as he answered my phone for me and ran up the stairs to Harvey’s room where we were reading a book together).

Sue: Hey there Nick, this is Sue, is Sarah with you?

Nick: Yes!! We are right here together!

Sue: Well, I have some news for you all! Your NIPT results are in. What do you all think this baby is?

Nick: I think it is a girl, but Sarah is leaning towards “boy” right now.

Sue: Well, everything else on the test looks great – the chromosomal tests are negative for abnormality screenings. Are you ready to hear who’s right?

Nick and Sarah: YES YES YES!!!! (Harvey was also yelling YES at this point)

Sue: It looks like Nick is right tonight… it’s a BABY GIRL!!

And there is was. The most wonderful, joyous news. A sweet, little girl to complete our family.

We quickly began facetiming our family to share the news, and their individual reactions full of elation and excitement were the best. Harvey was shouting “baby sister” over and over. I obviously don’t think it has clicked for him yet, but come this March, he will be getting a pretty good idea of what that actually means.

I have so many things running around in my head right now. First, I am nervous. I can’t help feeling a little anxious about this pregnancy, especially because I experienced a chemical pregnancy earlier in the summer. In addition to that, I had some pretty significant spotting in the first few weeks of my pregnancy, which is always scary. I even convinced myself this was not going to work out.

Once I got over that initial stage of fear and stress, I moved into the next phase which is worrying about the baby and whether or not she is going to be healthy and happy. I also have a fear of recurring preeclampsia along with any other number of pregnancy complications. This is all normal, and it is something I’ve been talking to my midwives about, as well as my therapist.

Ultimately, I know things will work out however they are going to work out. I have a lot of positive feelings and hope for this new adventure. I think most of all, I am looking forward to Harvey’s transformation into a big brother role. He is such a sweet child with a caring heart and loving personality, and I really do think he will see himself as a friend and protector towards his little sister.

I also can’t wait to watch my husband father a daughter. I get teary-eyed thinking about the privilege I feel raising children. Good, kind, children. Two of them. A boy and a girl. I know Nick feels the same way. This is going to be the adventure of a lifetime, and the past few weeks, months, and years have already helped to prepare us for the weeks, months, and years ahead.

No matter what happens, the Cainades, all four of us, will face the days with love and positivity.

Here we go again!! ❤

California Trip (Los Angeles, Visalia, Kings Canyon & Sequoia National Park)

Can’t believe it’s been a year since our last cross-country trek, which also happens to be the last time I posted… enough time that it is tempting to hang it up, but I’ve really been feeling recently how easy it is to lose all of the details of parenthood and travels that seem so unforgettable at the time. Pushing through.

Hilariously, I just read the post I wrote last summer for our Colorado Trip, and it reads much like this one will. Taking a kid on trips can be hard, but its worth it and here is a list of what all we did! The difference between a 2.5 year old and a 1.5 year old is the 2.5 understands that they are being difficult and can sometimes be reasoned with. It wasn’t by any means a relaxing vacation, but it was exactly what we were looking for!

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I will forever most remember the Sequoia trees. More spectacular than their size (which you actually get used to relatively quickly when they are everywhere), was their age. Sherman was the oldest at 2,200, but the rest of the big ones are at least a millennium old. That is an amazingly long time to be alive. They showed it too. Sequoia’s are naturally not exactly symmetrical and their branches can look a bit off kilter. But in edition to that these incredibly old living creatures, while being enormous and amazing and beautiful were by no means perfectly sculpted. With life comes trial, and these trees had been through it. Burns, knobs, scars, kinks were living and visible proof of a long life lived, and still they persist… I am so deeply worried we will ruin them though, and sooner than any of us realize. We have a unique responsibility as humans to protect these trees and our environment and we are failing.

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Amidst the beauty, it was impossible to escape the fact that we were in an area that was clearly suffering hard from the impacts of climate change. Fires rage across the state (and prevented us from visiting our planned destination of Yosemite) and despite being hundreds of miles from where we were, the smoke from the fires clouded our view of the surrounding mountains and countryside during our visit. The irony and deep sadness to see signs to re-elect climate change denier (not to mention known liar and Trumpeter) Devin Nunes, who represents the district of Visalia,hit me hard. Real hard. It might be too late to stop entirely, but we need to adapt and stop the bleed. This isn’t about politics. The environment should not be a political issue. Wake up people!! If you want to still vote Republican with any kind of clear conscience and soul make your leaders acknowledge and act!! Or, maybe its time to stop voting for them.

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Here are some of my other favorite, most notable memories from the trip, mostly in chronological order

  • Delta has the best in-flight entertainment setup. Everyone gets a personal TV with tons of new movies & TV for free. Will always try to fly with them in the future.
  • Being told by the woman sitting in front of us on the flight (as we were exiting the plane) that “just for future reference” we should have apologized to her because Harvey was bothering her during the flight. And no, she said nothing nor gave us any indication that she was inconvenienced and Sarah and I both thought he did great!
  • Watching tar bubble up at the La Brea Tar pits
  • All of the “Hepicopters” in LA
  • Playing at the York Park playground in Highland Park with some very hipster parents & children
  • Galco’s which had the worlds best selection of non-alcoholic carbonated beverages
  • Being dumb tourists and leaving our backpack at the public beach entry by the Santa Monica Pier. Realizing 10 minutes later and returning to the bag, now devoid of my phone, wallet (though they kindly left my ID and membership cards), Harvey’s snacks, headphones & tablet, and Nikon Camera. The kind folks at the Sprint store who were happy to upgrade me to an iPhoneX as a result.
  • Eating out for delicious meals is always a treat – some of our favorites La Fuente (Highland Park), Grand Central Market (Shrimp Fried Rice was amazing!), Gloria’s Cafe in Palms (apparently we just missed Guy Fieri), Pita Kabob (Visalia), Sequoia Brewing Company (Visalia), Burger Lounge (Culver City)
  • Getting to spend time with dear friends Amanda & Brian and James & Shanna!
  • Beautiful views of all of LA via the Hollywood sign hike at Griffith Observatory
  • Bringing the only baby into a brewery that had probably 200 people at 5 o’clock on a Saturday
  • Driving through Skid Row and being very glad we decided not to walk
  • Driving 45 minutes straight up the mountain into Sequoia National Park and getting so nervous that we would run out of gas, turning around and going all the way back to the closest town (Three Sisters) to fill up before returning.
  • Harvey’s cuddle, whisper and awe in Crystal Cave
  • Going on “abventures” as a family to Sequoia National Park and Kings Canyon National Park
  • Copious methods we used to get Harvey to behave – promising a “special treat” at the end of the day (always Popsicle), saying the Horse would bite him, toy cards, fake crying (as in Sarah and Nick would cry to get Harvey to behave).
  • The perfect Airbnb on a farm in Visalia.

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Until next time!

 

3rd Anniversary Post… sort of?

As I sit here to write about our third anniversary, I have to be honest and say that it’s been a rough couple of days. I would love to wish my husband a happy 3 years of marriage, and let that be it. But, the truth is, the end of his Father’s Day, and the beginning of our anniversary week have been high-jacked. Trigger warning: this post is long and a bit sad. I’ll spare you the graphic details, but if you’re not in the place where you can read about pregnancy loss, then I urge you to skip it and return to it another day. I also curse – sorry, not sorry.

Last week, I had a positive pregnancy test. It wasn’t just the regular ole’ “two pink lines” one is bright and the other is hard-to-tell type of thing… it was a digital pregnancy test that said “YES+” and I was so excited. Our family plan has always been to wait until Harvey turned two, and then talk about trying again, and to aim for the whole three-years-a-part timing thing. Once May rolled around, we figured we would hop on board and get the ball rolling. And then, just like last time, BAM! First time’s a charm… pregnant!! Woohoo!! February due date! Right before Harvey’s 3rd birthday. Time to get the list started: call the doctor, tell immediate family, start telling Harvey about the “baby in mama’s belly” – you know, the usual.

For half a week, we did all of those things. I made a doctor’s appointment for my 8 week ultrasound, we told Nick’s parents, and read Harvey the Berenstain Bears’ “New Baby” book.

**Quick break for a funny story here (When we pointed to my belly and told Harvey there was a baby in there, he put his face close to my stomach and pointed to a mole above my belly button and said “aww it’s a baby!!!” Nick and I laughed hysterically and then Harv did too. As sad as I have been for the past few days, this is a memory I will cherish and keep).**

A few days into this new exciting adventure, I started to feel anxious because I was experiencing some light spotting. It wasn’t bright red, so I figured after everything I had seen on the internet that it was totally normal and I tried to put it out of my mind.

Sunday started off like our normal weekend days do. We woke up, had a blast at the NC Museum of Art, stopped by the Raleigh Flea Market and had lunch… and then we came home. After getting Harvey down for a nap, I went to the bathroom and there it was… exactly what you don’t want to see when you think you’re pregnant. Shit. Fuck. Damnit. I’m getting my period. Sadness… fear… uncertainty… frustration… anger.

Let’s pause for a minute here, Sarah. What the hell is wrong with you?! SO WHAT! You’re getting your period, big deal. Don’t act like this is that bad… you have friends who’ve lost pregnancies, babies, children, and close loved ones. It’s not that bad. There are families who have been torn apart down at the border. Parents separated from their children for extended periods of time… that is actually horrible. What you’re dealing with…? It’s not that bad. It’s not that bad. It’s not that bad…. Tears. Lots and lots of tears…. YES IT IS THAT BAD!!! I WANT TO BE PREGNANT!!! This isn’t fair. Ugh.

I immediately start going through the list of all the things I could have possibly done wrong. I went running the day I found out I was pregnant. And then again on Saturday. And then I spread mulch in our yard for hours. I overdid it. I drank a cup of coffee every morning I was pregnant. Should I have stopped that? I had headaches last time I stopped drinking coffee. Everybody says all of these things are fine when you’re pregnant but what if they aren’t… what if I did this?

Then, I start trying to minimize it. I tell myself I have no reason to be this upset. It’s not like I was even actually pregnant. There was no heartbeat. Some people call this a “chemical pregnancy” and some people call it an “early miscarriage.” I don’t care what you want to call it. It feels like a loss and I feel sad and I can’t help that. I won’t always feel this sad, and hopefully this is the only hiccup in the road. But it might not be. We might be starting down a long and scary road in order to grow our family to the size we’ve always hoped for. There is no way to know for sure.

After that, I start to get jealous. Envious. Of all the families out there who have their beautiful second children. There, I said it. It’s not my fault, it isn’t their fault. It doesn’t mean I’m not happy for them… but I’m allowed to be jealous. Just for a little while, ok?

And then… worst of all, Ed shows up in the corner. He says, “Sarah, let’s get through this together. Crawl into my arms, I’ll be there for you. I’m always here for you.” You see, Ed and I used to be a pretty dynamic duo. We do tragedy well together. But… that was a long time ago, and I now belong to a pretty terrific trio known as “The Cainades” and those are the people I do life with. Those are the people I will always do life with.  Although I am sad, although it feels like I could easily rejoin him, I am able to reply, “Kindly, Ed, go fuck yourself!” And for a moment, I am proud of how far I’ve come. Good thing I go to therapy on Thursday!

Now, for the first time, I have a very tiny, small glimpse into what this shame feels like. Honestly, I’m not even sure if that’s the right word. I understand why people keep pregnancy a secret. You don’t want to get your hopes up. Not only that… you don’t want to get other peoples’ hopes up. I don’t want to let anybody down. I don’t want to let my husband down, I don’t want to let myself down. I don’t want my family and friends to get excited over nothing. We are going to the beach at the end of the week, and I wanted to tell them about our news. Now, I have nothing to share, and I’m heartbroken over that fact.

When I called the doctor to cancel my appointment, I was half hoping that the person on the other end of the line would give me some sort of “hope.” I was hoping she would tell me to come in, that they would double-check, and that everything was actually just a bad dream. She was super sweet, and told me that if I needed anything at all to call them back, including resources for my current situation. Another quick side note here: I am switching practices after Harvey’s scary birth situation – although I absolutely LOVE the Women’s Birth and Wellness Center and recommend them to anybody who will listen, I have switched to the Durham Women’s Clinic where midwives (and OB’s) deliver in a hospital. I had an appointment there earlier this spring and loved it… but it occurs to me when I hang up the phone, that I might not have any actual, real prenatal visits with them. I hope this isn’t the case.

I am going to be ok. I have a great support network and an even better partner to walk this journey with me. All of our journeys look a little different. The unknown is hard, but ultimately, I know everything will be fine – one way or the other.

I’ve been hugging my child a little harder this week. They are miracles. I’ve always known that, but sometimes the universe has a particular way of reminding you. To my sweet Nick, I am so glad that we decided to get married 3 years ago. I’m sorry that we had to experience this as a family, but I am so grateful that we experienced it together. You are my rock and my love. I am looking forward to celebrating our anniversary with you, and to have a great week at the beach and a fabulous rest of the summer. I love you.

To everybody else, I hope you are well. In this world, we are all walking our own path. Nobody else can walk your path for you. But, if you want – if you let them – there are people who are willing to walk it with you for a little while if you need them to. I am here as one of those people. I might not know what to say to you. I might not know what it is you need. But I will be here. We can sit in silence, or we can chat for as long as you need. Don’t tell me that “everything will work out the way it is supposed to” because I don’t even know what that is “supposed” to be. Just be there, show up, and I will do the same. Take care of yourselves and love each other fiercely. Peace be with you. ❤